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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29494683">we will fight for you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurore_stormwitch/pseuds/laurore_stormwitch'>laurore_stormwitch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, F/M, Friendship, Gen, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Love, Other, brief mention of ehri, genya and nikolai friendship is everything, i live for triumvirate interactions, some fluff in the end, triumvirate at their best, zoyalai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:40:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,723</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29494683</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurore_stormwitch/pseuds/laurore_stormwitch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Updated: chapter 3. A fight ensues between Nikolai and Zoya, after weeks of tension and avoiding each other. Someone (a red headed girl we all love) decides it's time to interfere and take matters into her own hands. Through her sincere words, Nikolai sees a new possibility emerging. Will he decide to confront his general and choose the right thing?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nikolai Lantsov &amp; Zoya Nazyalensky, Nikolai Lantsov/Genya Safin, Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>122</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Nikolai's POV. I've always imagined Genya to be the one to help Nikolai face this situation in Rule of Wolves. This is how I'd love to imagine their interaction going down. And I'd like to think that's how the story is gonna go between the marriage and the war. There's a brief mention to Ehri because she's clearly smart gurrrrl. The second chapter displays the confrontation between Zoya and Nikolai in which one of them may or may not confess (Zoya's POV).</p><p>Please note this is my first fan-fiction ever (so yeah slightly terrified about this). And also English is not my first language, so every advice counts!! I'd really appreaciate every feedback you'd wanna give. I love these characters and King of Scars has a special place in my heart. I'm just hoping to ease the anxiety until Rule of Wolves comes out!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Your Highness”</p><p>He was absentmindedly tapping his fingers on the table. The voice came from far away, meddling in the storm of thoughts that was plaguing his mind. </p><p>“Nikolai, is everything okay?”</p><p>The voice was sharper now, more urgent and the tone slightly higher. He blinked twice, realizing he was looking at Zoya, her eyes trained on the maps scattered on the table, her hands scribbling something on a piece of paper. Someone cleared their throat from his right. He shook his head and turned to the sound, finding Genya staring at him with a severe expression. She was the one who was trying to catch his attention. </p><p>“Yes Genya, I’m sorry. I guess these war meetings are getting to me. What were you saying?” He pinched his nose with two fingers, catching back his confident attire. He hoped the others would just believe he was exhausted. Which, to be fair, he was. But there was something else rendering his nights sleepless. </p><p>“What are we going do with the Inferni stationed at the Fjerdan border?”</p><p>Genya asked, sorting through the coded letters they got from Ravkan spies. Nikolai’s eyes turned traitor again, slipping toward his general. She was standing straight at the other side of the room, her spine like steel, as silent as she had been for the past weeks since the Fold. Her look was focused, directed everywhere and to everyone but him. </p><p>It was driving him crazy. </p><p>They’ve been going on like this for weeks: the brilliant, smart, too-clever fox Nikolai Lantsov was clueless as to why she was acting in such an irritating way around him. Or what to do about this. It hadn’t been clear, at first, or maybe he was just too distracted to grasp the severity of the situation. Since they’ve been back from the Fold, she had been unusually nervous around him, snapping at every remark, staying away from him as if his touch was electrifying, avoiding the moments of peace they were used to sharing. Then she had begun to slowly put some distance between them: she had started finding excuses not to be alone with him too long; whenever he searched her out to have her opinion on something, she somehow slipped away. Or she would give him her thoughts, politely, without their usual banter or inside jokes, and then close him off. She wasn’t exactly ignoring him: it was as if they were just a King and his General, keeping their relationship affection-less and professional.  </p><p>He had the distinct sensation she was trying to sever the bond they shared, forget the intimacy they had. After a while he had started to feel her drifting away from him, growing more distant by the day, putting up the same walls she had before the Fold. </p><p>And she wasn’t looking at him. Not really looking at him.  Not once in the past two weeks. </p><p>He had tried everything. To provoke her, to catch her off guard, to get her stuck in meetings with him. Well, to be honest he had tried everything except talking to her. He had been steering away from a direct confrontation too. Was he afraid of what she might say? Of losing for good whatever they had found in the Fold, whatever spark of something he felt flickering between them? Or maybe finding out that the spark was all his doing? Her feelings were carefully hidden behind her armour, as usual. Was she running from them, distancing herself from him, or did they never exist in the first place? Maybe he was alone in this. The shadow of those feelings tormented his nights: loneliness, longing, despair at what he was losing. At the fact that he didn’t know how to stop this loss from happening. Realizing that maybe he wanted her, and maybe she didn’t, not in the same way. And that even if she did, there was a whole country standing in the way. Was the great Son of Ravka a coward? Too much was happening. He felt like he was losing his mind, his feelings screaming at him, tearing him up from the inside. The war, Ravka, the marriage, his duty, his wretched heart. He didn’t have a clue on how to face this. On how to face her. </p><p>And he missed her terribly. He was aching at not having her near on those long nights by the fire. He searched for her look, for a nod of her head, for the touch of her hand. He missed his general, the one who kept him marching, who steadied him, his strength and his friend. He also knew that those weren’t the only things he was missing: that the warmth in his heart and the crushing pain he felt whenever she was near was not at all the longing you felt for a friend.<br/>
He was angry. At himself, for what he was being forced to do, for running away from this. At her, for not giving him the chance to explain, for being so stubborn and ruthless in her behaviour. </p><p>“That’s a question for General Nazyalensky, if she’d be so nice to answer.”</p><p>His tone was sharper than he intended. His expression remained calm, unreadable, but the frustration in his voice was clear enough. He looked at her. She sat back on her chair, waving a hand lazily through her hair, taking her time. This was bound to kill him. How could she be so arrogant? She held her chin high, moving her eyes for a split second to him, and then to the windows and the sky beyond.</p><p>“You didn’t seem to agree with the course I suggested. So, I guess we’re stuck with your decision after all, <em>Your Highness</em>.” </p><p>She indulged while using his title, in a mocking tone. He knew they didn’t agree much on using so many Grisha spies on the border, and he knew she was frustrated too from being held behind the palace doors and not on the field with her soldiers. But they still needed to choose a course of action. He tried to maintain the grip on his emotions.</p><p>“You’re in charge of the Second Army soldiers. We need your opinion on this.”</p><p>“I <em>gave</em> you my opinion on this on the last meeting. I was under the impression you ignored it. Too busy trying to charm the princess into submission to actually discuss war’s strategies with you generals?”</p><p>That was a low blow. Especially considered the ruthlessness of her tone, sarcastic and gutting as a blade, and her eyes still refusing to meet his gaze. He knew she was just trying to test his patience: she had no problem holding a look while tearing someone down with her words, she never had a problem holding his look. She was purposely ignoring him, as if he was a commoner disturbing her quiet. Nikolai’s patience had been too strained, and the reference to Ehri was too much to take: it was not like he was too caught up on having <em>fun</em> to take care of his army. And it was not like charming Ehri was a task he took happily.  He coud’ve ignored her snarky remark. Normally, he would have done it, if the situation was different. But all the anger built up in the last weeks, all the pain and confusion slipped its leash and his temper was lost before he could assess how to properly react. He slammed his hands on the table, standing up straight, his hazel eyes darkening, lit up by fire. </p><p>“For Saints sake Zoya, look at me!” </p><p>There was a slight tremble in his voice, but he managed to keep it low, which was even more dangerous. The air in the room froze instantly. The fact that he also used her first name didn’t go unnoticed. Genya looked worried, shifting in her seat uncomfortably. Tamar and Tolya were avoiding his eyes, their heads awkwardly trained on the floor. David cleared his throat a little. Everyone seemed to sit back and drew away from the table, leaving a clear path from Zoya to Nikolai.<br/>
She took a deep breath in, getting up and turning to face him at last. She had the decency to appear startled for a couple of seconds, at least. It wasn’t common to see Nikolai lose his composure like this. </p><p>But of course, Zoya was Zoya after all: she kept a fiery look, not willing to give up her icy demeanour or to let any emotion through. Her eyes slitted silver for a moment, then they turned deep blue again, shining with rage at her prickled pride. A cold breeze made the table tremble. The room was crackling with electricity. Time seemed to slow down, everyone waiting for something to happen. Possibly for Zoya to strangle her King.<br/>
<em>At least if she kills me, I’ll get a reaction from her</em>, thought sourly Nikolai. </p><p>“What is it? You can’t decide on your own? Do you need me to coddle you?” </p><p>Her words were meant to hurt him, and they found their mark. Nikolai felt his throat burning. He might have been already regretting his reaction, but he was not going to back up now. If this is the game she wanted to play, she surely had found a worthy contestant.<br/>
</p><p>“Maybe I need a General who will listen and aide his King instead of disrespecting him. And who’s able to go through a war without her pride clouding her judgment.”<br/>
</p><p>She lost her balance a little, struck at the words, taking a step back. Her voice when she spoke was slightly trembling too, now.<br/>
</p><p>“I’ve done nothing but listen and aide<em>my King</em>. Nothing but be at <em>your</em> service. Maybe that’s where I was wrong.”</p><p>He felt a wave of remorse and renewed anger. He wanted to hold her close to his heart and tell her everything was going to be okay. He wanted to hurt her like she hurt him. A new mask slipped on him.<br/>
</p><p>“Do not make the mistake to think you can act like this and still be irreplaceable. I need soldiers, and if you’re not able to be one, you can walk through that door.”<br/>
</p><p>He squared his shoulders, holding her gaze. His tone was cold, every word calculated and spoken like a ruler. That was Nikolai The King. That was someone he usually wasn’t around her, a persona he didn’t care to use with his friends. He heard the air crackle again around them, felt a freezing unforgiving wind rise against him. She had her fists clenched at her sides; utter shock written on her face. The dragon was clearly rumbling inside her, and for a second it looked like she was considering burning Nikolai alive. Even now, her deep blue gaze filled with rage, her silk black hair hovering around her, he managed to think of how insanely beautiful she was, and that he would have probably marched happily to his execution. The others had fallen silent, perfectly still, not knowing how to interfere with this. Genya leaned forward in a hesitant way, seemingly wanting to do or say something to release the tension. But she didn’t have the time to follow through: Zoya eventually hissed another breath in, unclenching her fists. The wind ceased to flow; she regained her posture, ruthless as ever. He didn’t really know what to expect: maybe her screaming at him, maybe being hit with a lightning. He didn’t expect the storm to stop; she cast him a pained look that tore his heart in two. Without saying so much as a word, she turned her back on him, leaving the room and slamming the door shut. He ran a hand through his hair, breathing deeply.</p><p>“The meeting is dismissed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”<br/>
</p><p>He didn’t know how he managed to keep a steady voice. The anger was all gone, replaced by a searing pain in his chest, making it hard for him to breathe. He remembered Zoya stealing the air from her opponents’ lungs; maybe that’s how they felt. He watched as the others all silently got out, without daring to say anything. Genya turned to him with a weary expression, but eventually slipped away without speaking. He watched the door close behind them, with the heavy feeling that all the light in the world had been sucked out and he was left alone, in darkness.</p><p>___________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>He took another long sip of brandy from the glass he was holding. He didn’t remember how many drinks he had. He just wanted it all to fade to nothing, to be able to finally rest. And yet here he was, in front of the fireplace, revisiting everything that happened in the last two days. Somehow, after the disastrous meeting, he got through the rest of the day and the day after that. Zoya made a brief appearance in the war room that morning, swallowing her pride. His heart skipped a couple of beats when she appeared: she made a quick nod of her chin at him avoiding his eyes, playing the part of the respectful general, and stayed in the room for a brief time. It was worse than not seeing her at all. She picked up her files, gave a couple of instructions to Genya and left as swiftly as she came, leaving him with scrambled thoughts for the rest of the day. Tonight, he had dinner in silence with Ehri, barely keeping up the appearance of the lovely soon-to-be-wed couple they were not. Ehri was stubborn, but smart and observant. It took her ten minutes to unravel what she was seeing in front of her.<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>“Still brooding over the fight with your General, my King?” She asked sweetly, with a pretence of innocence.<br/>
</em>
</p><p> <em> “I see words travel fast in the palace.” Was all he said, picking his herring apart. He didn’t feel like eating. He felt Ehri’s eyes studying him. She fell silent for a while, then managed to say something that caught him off guard.<br/>
</em>
</p><p> <em>“You should tell her you’re in love with her before it’s too late.”</em></p><p>
  <em>A small smile curled her lips at his shocked reaction. She was having fun. He stopped picking at his food, looking at her. Frankly, he didn’t have the strength to fight this, or deny it for all that mattered. There was nobody else in the room. He was at a loss of words. He felt the pain of their confrontation coming back in waves. He was deeply ashamed, hurt and lost. Ehri got up from her seat, directed to her chambers. She stopped at his side, casting him a pensive look.<br/>
</em>
</p><p> <em>“You don’t know me and I don’t know you. But I do know what it’s like to love someone, and I do remember how it felt when I lost her. I think if you stop putting your energies into denying your feelings, and direct them into finding another solution for this situation, we would all be better off. Don’t let this go so easily. Love is the only thing worth waging a war for.”<br/>
</em></p><p> <em>Ehri stepped away from him, opening the door. She turned to him one last time before disappearing to her chambers, saying something that ignited a feeble spark of hope in his heart.<br/>
</em>
</p><p> <em>“If you want to discuss other plans, I’m up for it. I want my throne back, Your Highness. You need an alliance and the liberty to go after the girl you want. Maybe we can find a way to work together and get our happy endings, after all.”<br/>
</em>
</p><p>Her words were torturing him. He didn’t reply to her at dinner, letting her leave in silence. And he knew she was just jumping at the tiniest chance to get free from this wedding. But the things she said were stuck like a worm in his brain, which was now working frantically. He didn’t think, until now, that there was another way. But maybe, just maybe…he couldn’t let go of the foolish idea that he wanted someone he loved beside him. As a wife, as a ruler, as a queen. Marrying Ehri was a pragmatic choice, securing the alliance with the Shu. But what if they could work something else out? He could help Ehri get back the throne, get his alliance, and leave his heart free to pursue whoever he truly loved. The idea of having the chance not to lose Zoya was too strong to be ignored.<br/>
Someone knocked at the door in that instant, interrupting his train of thoughts. He heard Genya’s voice gently calling him.<br/>
</p><p>“Your Highness, may I come in?”<br/>
</p><p>He took a long breath in, trying to blink away some of the brandy. He opened the door for her, welcoming her in.  “Please Genya, do sit with me for a while.”<br/>
</p><p>He tried a smile in her direction as she walked in the room, gesturing to the empty chair beside the one he sat in. Genya’s visit was a welcome distraction: he’d come to really appreciate her in the times they’ve worked together. She was a good friend, a glowing presence, with her sweet and soothing ways. And beneath her honey demeanour she hid the spine of a fiery warrior, always looking after the people she loved. While she graciously sat down, he pondered why she was here, having a displeasing hunch about it. The suspicion came that this was not going to be an easy conversation. His instincts were only confirmed by her behaviour: she was shifting her gaze uncomfortably from the fire to Nikolai, clearly trying to assess the best way to give voice to her thoughts. He waited without rushing her until she spoke, carefully looking at him.<br/>
</p><p>“Can I talk to you as a friend, Nikolai?” There she goes, he thought, his mood already souring even more if it was possible.<br/>
</p><p>“Not only you can, dear Genya, I ask that you do.” He gestured to go on, encouraging her to speak. She cleared her throat, never leaving his face, a firm look in her amber eye.<br/>
</p><p>"I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday in the war room." She sighed, taking the glass Nikolai offered her, slowly choosing the next words. Nikolai grew only more worried.<br/>
</p><p>“You can’t look at your General like that, Nikolai.”<br/>
</p><p>The King let out a tired breath. He didn’t need to ask who they were talking about. Even so, it was startled by how direct Genya was being and shook by the seriousness in her gaze. Not that he didn’t think the others suspected something, and if there was someone who could smell romance miles away that was Genya, but still…How did he look at her? Genya didn’t wait for him to reply, catching the question hidden in his eyes.<br/>
</p><p>“You do it every time she enters a room. You look at her like she’s your saviour. Like she’s everything good and right in the world, like you just started breathing again after risking drowning. Like she’s the storm, and the first ray of light after that. I know what that feels, believe me. But still, you can’t look at her in public like that.”<br/>
</p><p>He stayed silent for a bit, turning his gaze away from Genya. Like before, with Ehri, he felt there was no point in denying it. No point in having a discussion, in being bold, arrogant, and flirtatious as ever. He wasn’t even fooling himself; he clearly hadn’t fooled Ehri. He didn’t stand a single chance in fooling Genya. And yet, somehow her honest words comforted him. He let go of every pretence, feeling the weight of the world on his chest becoming slightly lighter. He chuckled, contemplating the irony of the situation, and then let out the first true laugh in what felt like an eternity.<br/>
</p><p>“Am I that obvious?” Genya seemed to relax at his reaction, sliding back on her chair, with a true affection in her look. A little laugh escaped her mouth too. She shook her head.<br/>
</p><p>“To anyone who’s a little observant? Yes. To anyone with a good pair of eyes? Still pretty obvious.”<br/>
</p><p>He laughed again. He really was hopeless.<br/>
</p><p>“I had the suspicion that the two of you were going to be the last ones to realize these feelings.” She scolded him, crossing her arms.<br/>
</p><p>“I’m pretty sure the only feeling Zoya has towards me right now is homicide, Genya.”<br/>
</p><p>Saying her name felt strange on his tongue; the sound of her was still accompanied by a sharp pain. He had some problems acknowledging his own feelings, talking about them felt...weird. It made them real. It forced him to face them. He sensed Genya make a face beside him, with a disbelieving click of her tongue.<br/>
</p><p>“You can’t be that oblivious, Nikolai. I fully expect it from Zoya, as I expect her to get violent with me if I try to talk to her about this, which is the reason why I’m here with you. But you can’t be clueless. You’re usually quite clever.”<br/>
</p><p>He turned to her, looking as if he was just struck by lightning. “Usually”, was all he managed to say. Genya let out another irritated noise, leaning towards him.<br/>
</p><p>“Do you really not feel the way she looks at you? It’s the same you do with her. And you’re <em>both</em> pretty obvious.”<br/>
</p><p>“She hasn’t so much as cast a glare at me in two weeks.” He tried to protest. She snorted.<br/>
</p><p>“Just because she’s trying to be a little more subtle than you. The fact that she does it when you’re not noticing doesn’t mean that <em>other people</em> don’t notice.”<br/>
</p><p>He really wanted to believe her; he felt the hope lying in his heart flicker. Maybe he really wasn’t alone in this. Maybe it made sense to try and find some other way. He had felt it in the Fold, as much as he tried to deny it. <em>She is already a queen</em>, a little voice in his head reminded him.<br/>
</p><p>“Which is why you can’t be like that in public. It’s one thing if the whole palace thinks you’ve taken a mistress. It’s another if we have a full star-crossed lovers situation going on. You don't watch her with lust; you watch her with love. Ehri has enough reasons already to stop this wedding, I’m not sure you want to give her another excuse and risk the alliance.”<br/>
</p><p>Genya’s tone was sweet, tender as the look in her eye. She had a sad smile on her scarred face, and she put a hand on his arm while speaking the words. She knew how hard the reality of the situation was. She knew she had to tell him, and she knew it would hurt him. He understood that she was just trying to protect them, especially Zoya, from being in more pain than they were already.<br/>
</p><p>“And the fight you had didn’t help. She’s hurting, Nikolai, I can see that under her armour. I don’t know what happened between the two of you in the Fold, and I’m not going to ask. But you need to work this out. You can’t go on like that.”<br/>
</p><p>The idea of hurting Zoya sent another wave of shame against him and he had to catch his breath. He knew his reaction was wrong, and that he said the worst words he could have said to her. He knew he had to make this right. And sadly, he also knew Genya was perfectly right, as much as he didn’t care what other people thought of them. Though that may not matter anymore. He took another sip of brandy and waved a hand in front of him in a dismissive way.<br/>
</p><p>“I’m afraid you’re too late with that problem. Ehri already knows. She told me at dinner, and as you predicted she also offered her help in concocting a plan to avoid marrying me and getting her throne back to secure the alliance.”<br/>
</p><p>Genya’s eyes widened in surprise. She crossed her arms again with an amused chuckle.<br/>
</p><p>“I knew she was smart. Well, you and Zoya haven’t been, to be fair. But she still is pretty smart.”<br/>
</p><p>They stayed silent for a while. For the first time in days, Nikolai felt a little better. He didn’t know if it was the brandy or Genya soothing ways but keeping this secret hidden had been tiring. He could share the burden now. Genya turned serious again, a resolute look in her eye.<br/>
</p><p>“If that’s the case, then I’m afraid you have a choice to make, Your Highness.”<br/>
</p><p>“I do?”<br/>
</p><p>She mustered the courage to speak, carefully pondering every word. “I don’t believe Ravka needs a queen that doesn’t love this country, as sweet as Ehri can be. This is a broken place. It needs mending. It needs someone caring, ready to give this wretched place everything to see it flourish. It needs someone strong, ruthless, and brave. Someone who could lead it to be whole again.”<br/>
</p><p>Nikolai looked at her, feeling the pride reverberate through her words. “All my life, all I’ve wanted was to feel protected. To feel safe. Can you imagine what a Grisha ruler can mean for this country? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, or that it’s the perfect choice. But can you see it? Grisha from everywhere in the world are going to know this is home. We can rebuild the Second Army, unite it with the First. We can bring this divided country together.”<br/>
</p><p>She took a long breath in. “And we both know that for all her pettiness, her rude ways, and icy words, Zoya is already the queen our home needs. She would fend for Ravka until her dying breath.”<br/>
</p><p>He took every word in, waves of feelings towering over him. He thought of the Fold, of the letter he gave Zoya naming her the protector of Ravka. Of the first time he envisioned her as a Queen. As his Queen. He thought of following his heart, of things he usually didn’t let himself linger on: Zoya in his arms, Zoya in his rumpled sheets in the morning, on his lips, his hand in her hair, the smell of wildflowers around them. Zoya holding his hand. Zoya bleeding in the snow, protecting the cubs. Zoya with a silver crown at his side. He felt his heart full of yearning for these visions, full of warmth and desire. He thought of losing her, the pain like a sword through his chest, like a mountain on his shoulders.<br/>
</p><p>“And I want to see her happy, Nikolai. She deserves happiness.” She touched his hand kindly. “You deserve happiness. You deserve someone who loves you as fiercely as she does. She deserves your kindness; you deserve her proud heart. We would want nothing more than to see you build a life together. Build the future together."<br/>
</p><p>He didn’t miss it. He emerged from his thoughts, trying to steady his breathing at the ferocity of the truth that lay behind his friend’s speech. “We?” She curled her lips in a devious smile.<br/>
</p><p>“As I told you, we all expected you two to be the last to acknowledge this. You’re both pretty funny to gossip about. If you can believe it, Tolya was the first to notice. <em>Months ago</em>. I had to explain it to David of course, but the others were all pretty quick to catch up.”<br/>
</p><p>The thought of their friends whispering about them sent affection and amusement through him. He still couldn’t quite believe he managed to surround himself with this little strange family. He smiled back. Genya caught his hand, tightening her grip.<br/>
</p><p>“We will fight for you. If you decide this is the course you want to take, we will fight for the both of you. We will stand at your side, defending Ravka and your right at happiness and peace. Just think about it.”<br/>
</p><p>He nodded, staying silent at the enormity of this revelation, deeply moved by Genya's sincere words. He felt a warmth he didn't remember was possible to feel, the chance of a joy so intense it caught him off guard. It still seemed like a fragile hope; but it was a spark he was going to protect at all cost. His confidence was building up again. A decision: that’s something he was good at. He could already see the roads taking form, he could see where they led, what he would have to do. He could do this. His brain was already working around a plan. He would need to talk to Ehri and see what she had in mind. Maybe they really could save themselves from this. But there was something else he needed to do first, something that’s still scared him a little, and it most certainly was going involve an unpleasant and hard confrontation with a raven haired harpy who was likely to burn him on the spot.<br/>
</p><p>"Why do you think she's so mad at me? Avoiding me and everything? I’m sure you’ve noticed that too."<br/>
</p><p>Genya waved a sarcastic glare in his direction, furrowing her brows at him and lightening the mood a little.<br/>
</p><p>"I'm going to take a <em>wild</em> guess here, but maybe the fact you announced your marriage right after whatever happened between the two of you? Maybe?"<br/>
</p><p>"Very funny." He huffed, throwing his arm in the air. “Nothing happened, by the way. Nothing...explicit.” <em>Unfortunately</em>, he thought grimly, images of Zoya clouding his mind again. He shook them away, trying to regain his focus. "What am I supposed to do?"<br/>
</p><p>"All Saints Nikolai, I didn't think you were such an idiot when it came to relationships. You tend to be so charming."<br/>
</p><p>"Not helping."<br/>
</p><p>She laughed. Saints, she was enjoying this. "Maybe talk to her? That would be a nice first step."<br/>
</p><p><em>Great, like it's easy</em>. He groaned, pressing his hands on his eyes. Genya was totally right: what was happening to him? He was indeed charming. He was used to charm his way out of every situation. Unfortunately, the one person who always seemed to be immune to his ways was the one he desperately needed forgiveness from. Honesty might have been the only plausible course of action.<br/>
</p><p>“Talk to her about what? My feelings?”<br/>
</p><p>Genya burst out laughing again. His pride hurt a little bit. Maybe Zoya wasn’t easy, but it was not like he was a boy anymore.<br/>
</p><p>“Sure, if you want her to punch you in the face and run away as fast as she can. Do you <em>know</em> Zoya, Nikolai?”<br/>
</p><p><em>Never mind, I am a fool</em>. His friend was of course right, again. What he thought he would do, show up and ask her to marry him after everything that happened? <em>Run to Zoya and tell her you love her after you insulted her, great way to gain a quick death, Nikolai</em>. He sighed at the redhead in front of him.<br/>
</p><p>“I’m hopeless, fine, would you please help me my dear friend?”<br/>
</p><p>She huffed her hair theatrically. “Ease her in a little bit before the whole feelings talk. Say you're sorry. Show you care. Mend the rift in your relationship, draw her close again. Make her believe that she wasn't wrong in trusting you and open her heart to you. Just a couple of suggestions. Start with this, and see where it goes.”<br/>
</p><p>Okay, he could try this. See where it went from there. He brought up the glass of brandy, looking at the liquid inside. On second thought, he put it on the table again; he needed a clear mind for this. He took a deep breath, feeling some sort of calm wash over him. He was tired. But he felt good, he felt in control again.<br/>
</p><p>The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to lend true.<br/>
</p><p>His heart found its aim. He had lost himself, but he found purpose again. He saw a way, some twisted hard way to give his eager country what it needed and not lose the most important person in his life in the process. He looked at the girl still sitting patiently beside him: he owed her a lot. Hadn’t she come to talk to him, hadn’t she been brave enough to speak these words...he didn’t want to think how much more time it would’ve taken him to see the truth, o how much he could have lost. The gratitude he felt in this instant was immense. He held her hand pressing a kiss to her knuckles.<br/>
</p><p>“I don’t know how to thank you, Genya.”<br/>
</p><p>“Thank me by not being an ass anymore, Nikolai." She hadn't lost the light tone, but he could see she was only half-joking. "And come ask me for whatever help you need, all right? It can’t have been easy to keep everything for yourself.”<br/>
</p><p>No, it hadn’t been. Gentle as always, she got up with a fond smile.<br/>
</p><p>“And please let me tailor those dark circles under your eyes. We need you at your best.” She winked at him, moving towards the doorway.<br/>
</p><p>“You are a good friend, you know. Not just to me. To Zoya, also. We’re lucky to have you.”<br/>
</p><p>“I’m also great at concocting plans and I thrive around secrets at court, remember that. I’ll be glad to be of use. With your terrible relationship skills, also.”<br/>
</p><p>“I’m far from terrible, my dear friend. Just a little rusty.”<br/>
</p><p>“Sure, whatever you say. And Nikolai, not that I want to rush you, but don’t lose too much time on your decision. We still need to move quickly."<br/>
</p><p>This time, he was the one shooting a sarcastic glare.<br/>
</p><p>“Like you didn’t know the second you walked through that door what choice I was going to take.”<br/>
</p><p>Another wicked smile flashed through her features.<br/>
</p><p>“You know, I’ll even avoid killing you for all the time I spent on organizing the wedding. Mainly because there’s still time to change the bride and have it anyway.”<br/>
</p><p>He chuckled. “She still has to forgive me, first. Then there’s the matter of talking about feelings. And from that to accepting a proposal...well, I’m afraid we’re a long way from a royal wedding.”<br/>
</p><p>Genya seemed unfazed by all of these trivial matters. She shook her shoulders.<br/>
</p><p>“Never say never. Zoya often has a way of surprising people.” <em>That much is true</em>, he thought.<br/>
</p><p>“Do tell me how it goes. In the meanwhile, goodnight, Your Highness.” Genya nodded in his direction, taking a step out and leaving his chambers.<br/>
</p><p>“Goodnight, Genya.”<br/>
</p><p>He stood up, walking around his room for a while. As exhausted as he was, he was also too lost in thought to actually sleep. He opened the window, resting his elbows on the balcony, leaning towards the dark night sky lit up by stars. It was too late to go to her, and yet she was everything he could think of. The desire burning in him was almost unbearable. He couldn’t stand the thought of her angry at him, alone in her room.<em> Or worse, not alone in her room.</em> He shook his head, inhaling the cold breeze, trying to ignore the useless jealous thought. She really was driving him insane. He needed to think, to set a plan and get things in motion. She could sulk in the idea of killing him for one more night; just another thing he would need to ask forgiveness for. He wouldn’t give up, this time. If he was going to do this, he was going do this right. No matter how hard it was going to be to convince her, or how many times she was going push him away. He wouldn’t give up on her. Let’s see who was more stubborn.<br/>
</p><p><em>I’m gonna find a way to do this.</em> He gazed at the Little Palace, its roof shining dimly under the moonlight. <em>I promise you I’m gonna find a way. I’m not gonna lose you. I’ll keep fighting for you.</em><br/>
</p><p>Sleep finally caught up to him after a few hours. That night, like so many others, he dreamed of her. But she wasn’t far and untouchable like in the other dreams. She was next to him. She was brushing her fingers on his cheek, waving a hand through his golden curls, her blue eyes full of light. She was smiling softly, calling his name, holding him close.<br/>
</p><p>In the morning, for the first time, he awoke with the slight and impalpable sense that these dreams may had a chance of coming true.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I may have intentionally or not dropped a couple of quotes from the grishaverse I love here and there</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. the demon and the witch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After his talk with Genya, Nikolai is trying to work towards another solution for his alliance and planning to ask Zoya for forgivness when everything is settled. But as she hurt herself, his plan goes to hell and he rushes to her sparking a long awaited confrontation.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is from Zoya's POV, which I found much harder to write but wanted to explore. Hope you all enjoy it!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoya hissed while trying to strengthen the bandages on her wound, through which a small flower of blood was already blossoming. <em>Damn those kerghud and their blades. </em>She checked her sides too, finding with relief she was not in much pain. At least the healers were able to take her of that; but the poison the Fabrikators found on the kerghud’s knives was slowing down the process on the deep cut on her shoulder. </p><p><em>You still prevailed</em>, rumbled Juris inside of her. <em>You took down all of them on your own. </em>The voice was beaming with his pride.</p><p><em>And got thrown against a tree for good measure</em>, she answered grimly while examining her wound. It could’ve been worse. Still, it wasn’t a good sign; the Shu were supposed to be their allies now. Why did a pack of kerghuds attack her? They really didn’t need another thing to worry about. She sighed, opening the windows and letting the cold air revive her a little. The ride back to the palace had left her sore; it took her hours and standing on a horse with a throbbing chest and blood all over her hadn’t been pleasant. She arrived after dinner only to be welcomed by a furious and shaken Genya who had tried to cover for her absence and had immediately taken her to get patched up. Not really an ideal day. </p><p>She was pondering whether to drown her sorrows either in bed or in wine when she heard some strained voices in the corridor; they sounded rushed, worried. Someone was giving orders to her guards to stand down and resign their post, sending them away. <em>Oh, for Saints sake, not now,</em> she thought as the door slammed open and Nikolai Lantsov stomped in her room with a weary expression, stopping in front of her. Of course he found out.</p><p>“What the hell happened Zoya?” She glanced at him, both annoyed and warmed by his uneven breath and messy look; he seemingly ran through the whole palace to get here, already in his more comfortable clothes for the night. Armour in place, her words were clipped and sarcastic.</p><p>“Did anyone never bother to teach the future King of Ravka the subtle art of knocking?”</p><p>Nikolai looked exhausted; he released a long breath he seemed to have been holding for ages while he carefully skimmed her for injuries, lingering on the bandages on her shoulder and upper arm with a worried look. She quickly put her kefta back on covering them, uncomfortable under his gaze. When he seemed to have assessed that she wasn’t going to die in the next couple of minutes, he relaxed, releasing the tension in his shoulders, shoving the worry away and regaining his usual merry attitude. </p><p>“No one thought I’d actually be the future King, you know. Maybe that’s why they skipped it.”</p><p>His tone was light, but he took a couple of steps in her direction, still checking her. She rolled her eyes, making a good show of being irritated. He was being overly dramatic. She knew that whoever told him of her little excursion would also have told him that she was safe and sound and healers already had tended to her; he had no reasons to put up these theatrics. </p><p>“I’m fine.” He huffed in response, casting his eyes heavenward too.</p><p>“You broke three ribs.”</p><p>“Two”, she corrected, “And they’ve already been healed.” He didn’t flinch, taking another step forward and gesturing to her arm.</p><p>“What about that?”</p><p>She shrugged her shoulders ignoring the stab of pain the movement provoked.</p><p>“Are you here to question me or do you actually need something?”</p><p>Nikolai grinned, leaning against the wall next to the balcony. She shifted unconsciously away from him. He was too close, only a couple of feet apart from her. And they slipped inside their usual banter too easily: everything came too easily with him. Her look wandered outside the window, averting his amused eyes still trained on her with an intensity she didn’t want to consider.</p><p>“Ah, there’s the spite. You’re really fine then.” </p><p>There was an affection in his voice that was hard on her nerves. What was he doing here? The whole point of her actions was to keep the distance; this didn’t exactly fit with the plan, the two of them alone in her chambers at this hour of the night. She collected her strength, making the decision to ignore him. His smug face was making her want to shove him out the door. The silence stretched and she waited with hope that he would just leave her be, sensing her irritation. But Nikolai was Nikolai after all, seemingly untouched by her demeanour. </p><p>“I already sent word to the Shu. We…I’ll take care of it.” She sensed him stop before adding something else, no doubt avoiding saying Ehri’s name and leaving her out of the conversation. Zoya shook her head, even more unnerved by this unwelcome caution in her regards.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. They’re going to say it was a rogue attack. <em>I</em> took care of it.” </p><p><em>Meaning I burned them all.</em> </p><p>“Just tell our dear princess to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Somebody else could’ve gotten really hurt.”</p><p>“But they found Zoya Nazyalensky instead. What a stroke of luck for them.”</p><p>She didn’t react to his praise, so he just kept talking, keeping an easy attitude. But she knew him well, and she could hear the strain in his voice, the turmoil he was trying to keep hidden.</p><p>“Do you care to tell me why my most valuable general decided to take a stroll in an open field and almost got herself killed?”</p><p>Fine then, so ignoring him was not the correct strategy; she resorted to her ruthlessness and his guilt.</p><p>“Most valuable.” Zoya scoffed. “Thought you’d be satisfied; you’d finally have the perfect excuse to <em>replace</em> me.”</p><p>She turned to him while speaking, holding a firm gaze; so she was able to see the shadow of shame and pain that swept through his eyes at her words.</p><p>As hurt as she was, their fight the other day served her right. It was bad enough to convince her that staying away from him was the sensible thing to do, and now it gave her a weapon to use to keep distancing him. Also, she really didn’t intend to linger on the topic and explore the reasons why she made what she knew had been a reckless decision. Lately, the palace was far too crowded for her liking; it had begun to feel suffocating, and not only because avoiding Nikolai was growing harder and harder by the day. The dragon inside her craved the sky; the power in her was constantly rumbling, pretending to be unleashed. She still didn’t understand it, the force of it, the craving for destruction that came with it. It was slowly changing her: each and every day her senses got stronger, her hunger got deeper. It demanded to be used; there were times she didn’t know how she kept still, moments in which the air around her crackled without her control, nights in which thunder boomed and clouds darkened the sky as her mood grew more sour. So she started taking these rides outside the city, trying to find places where she could test her abilities without risking destroying the Little Palace. In a time that seemed long lost, she would’ve liked to confide in Nikolai with this. But he wouldn’t understand now, he wouldn’t get what she feared to become if she kept searching for more. And she made a choice after Isaak’s death, the choice to give up on her foolish hopes and dreams and be a general after all. That choice included letting Nikolai go, which he was making hard to do.</p><p>They looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. A pang hit her throat, and she felt an unfamiliar prickle in her eyes. Why did she want to cry now? She searched for her anger, trying to bury the feeling of despair that was troubling her mind. She prayed for him to say something spiteful, or to turn on his heels and go. Instead, he came even closer, moving a delicate brush of his fingers over the bandages that peaked near her collarbone, sending a shiver through her. <em>Too close. Get away. </em> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Zoya.”</p><p>And why for all Saints on earth did he have to say her name like this? It was almost like a prayer. A soft whisper full of honesty, not even an inch of his casual arrogance or boldness. She sucked a breath in, holding her pose, arching a brow in his direction.</p><p>“Nice speech. Bet you practiced it a lot in front of the mirror.”</p><p>He waved a glowing smile at her, while she pondered wherever this good mood came from.</p><p>“I <em>had</em> a nice speech, you know. And yes, I also practiced it. But then you went on to put yourself in danger and I got a little distracted.”</p><p>She glanced at him. “I’m not a helpless girl whom you needed to run to and save from a monster.” <em>I may easily be the monster myself, Nikolai. Leave. </em>He didn’t back down.</p><p>“I didn’t say that, as a matter of fact. I said I got distracted by you being hurt.”</p><p><em>You’re still too close. Get away. </em>Her feet didn’t seem to listen to her brain, which was sparring with her heart for dominance. She turned to her side, away from him.</p><p>“Get out, Nikolai.”</p><p>“I don’t think I want to.” She was going to kill him.</p><p>“<em>I</em> want you to go.”</p><p>“And I want to be more handsome than I already am, but some things are just too hard to get.”</p><p>Her glare would have made every man on earth shiver with fear. It was apparently useless on Nikolai. </p><p>“Enough childish games, Nikolai. Say what you have to say and then leave.”</p><p>He sighed. “Just listen to me, please? I really did have a speech. I was out of line the other day, and I didn’t mean a single word I said. I reacted in the worst possible way and I hurt you. And I’m sorry, both for doing it and for waiting too long to realize it.”</p><p>She stopped him with an irritated laugh, her eyes slitting silver. How arrogant of him.</p><p>“You didn’t hurt me. You were just being the harsh leader you may finally be growing into.”</p><p>He shook his head, ignoring the remark, determined to go on with this charade. </p><p>“It’s more than that. I should’ve said something sooner. What happened in the Fold...we never got the chance to talk. I don’t know how you are, what you’re going through.” Maybe punching him in the face was not a bad option. Alina did it after all, if she remember correctly. “I let you drift away and I regret that.”</p><p>The conversation was steering in dangerous territory. She clenched her jaw and her fists, equally intent as him to stop this.</p><p>“You’re gonna regret <em>this</em> if you keep talking.”</p><p>“Why?” His controlled tone slipped a bit as he threw his arm in the air, getting more nervous. “What’s wrong with talking? What’s wrong in saying that I was an idiot to behave like I did, that I need my general by my side? That I don’t like all the distance you’re putting between us?” </p><p>“There’s no <em>us</em>, Nikolai.” She spatted, fists still clenched, trying to keep the hold on her power already rising inside her. She sensed where this was going and desperately tried to prevent it. “You shouldn’t even be here at this hour. You are going to marry your Shu princess, and be the King Ravka needs. I am your general, as you dutifully pointed out, nothing else. Stop acting like a fool.”</p><p><em>Oh, how well do you lie to yourself. Are you ever gonna stop? </em>That was not the moment for Juris to chide her and mock her, doubting her decisions. She hushed him, trying to focus. Nikolai looked struck at her words; he opened his mouth and then closed it again, seemingly deciding what to say. She narrowed her eyes, an uncomfortable suspicion creeping in her mind. Speechless Nikolai Lantsov was never a good thing.</p><p>“Maybe I’m not.” He cleared his throat at her confused look. “I’m not marrying Ehri.”</p><p>Juris roared. Zoya widened her eyes in shock: a wave of outrage flooded her thoughts, along with an unwelcome strike of hope she suffocated.</p><p>“Nikolai.” His name was said much like a threat. “What on earth are you saying?” </p><p>He held up his hands, speaking slowly, trying not to set her off and appease her wrath. </p><p>“I need you to trust me on this. I may have another solution, one that doesn’t involve forcing me and Ehri in a loveless marriage we both despise. One that still assures me the alliance.”</p><p>She was not having this. The air around them started to feel more dense, the smell of a rainstorm filling the room. Her voice grew louder, her temper brewing.</p><p>“I hope you’re joking, or you’re more of a fool that I ever thought possible. Whatever she told you, she’s tricking you. What are you thinking? Ravka is on the brink of destruction, why would you risk your country?”</p><p>“It’s not about Ravka.”</p><p>"You don’t get to choose, Nikolai. You are a ruler. You have a duty.” He let out an exasperated sound, coming even closer. There was barely the space of a breath within them. She kept going. “You are our King. I won’t let you do something so reckless.” </p><p>Now he was losing his temper too, flames burning in his eyes. He caught her wrist, his grip like steel.</p><p>“Why do you run from this? Why do you deny yourself of happiness when there’s another way?” </p><p>“What does that have to do with me?”</p><p>“Everything! I don’t want to marry her. And I don’t want to see my country fall.” </p><p>“You think you can have it all? Then what do you want, Nikolai?”</p><p>He shot her a pleading look, his soul pouring out of his eyes. Her heart missed a beat, as she shook him away and took two steps back, finding herself with her back on the wall. <em>No</em>. She regretted her question in an instant.</p><p><em>You know what he wants. You know who he wants.</em> Juris wasn’t backing out either.
</p><p>A whisper rolled out of Nikolai’s mouth. </p><p>“Zoya…”</p><p>“Don’t.” He came towards her. They were dancing; she cast him a warning look. </p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because there’s no coming back if you say it!” She was shouting now, shivering with rage and dread. “Because I will believe you if you say it and it won’t change anything!” Tears threatened to fall again, her whole body was vibrating with power. She couldn’t hold back anymore, she would’ve hurt him. And yet this stupid boy was not yelding his steps, not afraid of the woman in front of him. </p><p>“I’m not giving up on you.” </p><p>“<em>Please</em>, Nikolai.” A sob escaped her. Was she pleading with him now? But as much as her, he had made a decision, and he wasn’t gonna abandon his resolve. He went on, unforgiving, holding her gaze and his chin as he spoke. </p><p>"You need to hear me. And you can trust me."</p><p>"Stop." She was losing.</p><p>“It’s always been you, Zoya. You’re the only thing I want.”</p><p>The sword drew through her hearth, cracking it open. </p><p>
  <em>Show this boy king what you are.</em>
</p><p>She threw her fist open unleashing the storm, tears streaming on her cheeks, and shot a speeding gust of wind in his direction. It knocked Nikolai over, trashing him on the floor; he hit the wall, the current howling and holding him in place. The window on her side shattered as lightning fell from the sky, leaving a trail of smoke in their wake. Papers were rustling around the room, a cold breeze sweeping over them; she watched in horror the destruction she brought. Abruptly, the air fell still as she drew away the power, not wanting to meet Nikolai’s eyes and the disgust she was sure to find there. </p><p>“Go away, please.”</p><p>He heard him breathing heavily, getting back up on his feet. His uncertain steps crunched on all the letters left on the floor.</p><p>"Zoya, it’s okay. I’m here."</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>Juris wasn’t finished, too. He growled. <em>Don’t be a coward. You should be the Queen. </em></p><p>“Shut up!” </p><p>The scream rose from her sore throat and she fell on her knees, hitting the pavement and catching her head between her hands. Her heart hurt. Her lungs hurt. She made a desperate attempt to fight back the pain as she grasped the last bit of sanity in her mind, huddling on herself like a child. Electricity ran through her skin and a final thunder rolled over the room. Everything stopped as the place grew silent, Zoya shaking on the floor.</p><p>“I’m not leaving.”</p><p>His voice floated to her like they were underwater; it didn’t even tremble, it was calm and firm, not the one of a terriefied man just taken on by a summoned storm. He slowly walked to her again, rubbing the back of his head a little. Did she hurt him? Shame towered over her. He lowered himself down to her; his movements were delicate, attentive, as if she was a wounded animal he needed not to scare. Another whisper came to her and she grasped at it like an anchor.</p><p>“I’m not leaving you.”</p><p>She felt his hands on hers, his touch soft as a feather as he circled her wrists and he tried to pull her back on her feet with a soft tug. He caught her elbow, steadying her; instinctively her other hand tightened around his shoulder as her vision blurred and focused back on him; she let her head lean on his chest, catching some air. They stayed like that for a while, Nikolai’s tender eyes waiting for her to get back to herself. He gently tilted her chin up to look at her, brushing some strands of hair away from her face and sighed.</p><p>“I missed you.”</p><p>The words fell on her like an avalanche. There was a fierce purity in this ordinary admission, spoken like a confession he knew she wouldn’t be able to take. There was so much more to this; it spoke of all the things they never allowed themselves to say, of all the stolen glances and forgotten truths; of how they belonged next to each other, the peace and quiet they found together, how hard it was to be apart; of the times she saved him, and the ones he saved her. </p><p>
  <em>Stop fighting, General. Lower your weapons. </em>
</p><p>She was tired. Saints, she was so tired. She wanted to rest in the comfort of his arms. She felt herself beginning to surrender. </p><p><em>He is yours to keep.</em> She trembled in his hands, shaken by the conviction in Juris’ voice.</p><p>Zoya looked at the boy in front of her, still gently grazing her cheek with his knuckles, at his tousled flocks, at the glowing rays of sun hidden in his eyes. She moved one hand to his stunning face, tentatively touching his lips. A shiver went through him, but he stayed perfectly still while a look of confusion and yearning flashed through him. </p><p><em>He has always been yours.</em> Juris roared, sending flames scorching her chest.</p><p>
  <em>Zoya of the broken heart. Be whole again. Take him.</em>
</p><p>And once again, just like she did in the Fold, Zoya let herself fall.</p><p>She pulled him to her with a hand on the back of his neck, closing the distance between them, crashing her lips onto his, releasing the hunger and the despair that plagued her. When they met, it felt like a war. It felt like a blessing. She registered her king reacting in a split second, without even a hint of hesitation: the hand that was on her arm went to hug her waist, drawing her closer than she thought possible with a desperate need, while the other one was now entangled in her hair. He was holding onto her for dear life, as if she would break if he let her go.</p><p>Kissing him was a thousand lives and a single fleeting moment, time stretching in this suspended bliss; she broke free, gasping for hair, drowning in the shock of what happened. Nikolai wasn’t a fool, and he knew her all too well; he knew it would only take her the fraction of an instant for realization to dawn over her, so he didn’t let her slip. He pulled her to him again. But that flicker of oxygen to her brain was enough for fear and remorse to clench at her soul. She pushed lightly onto his chest, and this time he got the hint, leaving her mouth and backing up just what was necessary for them both to release their breath. <em>Good</em>, she thought. <em>At least one of us still has some semblance of control </em>. If it really was up to her will, once so unbreakable, she would’ve never stopped. </p><p>“Saints, Zoya.” The words rolled out of his mouth in an ushered tone, as if speaking too loudly was bound to break the enchantment cast upon them. She mustered the courage to look at him: he was watching her in awe, the golden freckles in his eyes darkened by a sheer desire. He may have stopped kissing her, but his hands were still keeping her flushed against him, his uneven warm breathing grazing her neck, making it almost unbearable to try and form a coherent thought. Her heart was aching. </p><p>“We can’t.” Her voice was barely audible, devoid of every resolve she had hoped to still have in herself. She trained her look on the floor, the pain squeezing the air out of her lungs. <em>What did I just do?</em> Zoya sensed Nikolai shifting closer, brushing his lips on her lashes, her cheekbones. He rested his forehead on hers. Was he smiling? Why was this damned boy smiling? She cast her eyes up; he really was smiling, cocking his head slightly on one side. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re really stubborn, you know.” He teased her. Zoya marvelled at his confidence, at how unfazed he seemed at the fact she was basically rejecting him after shoving him against a wall and possibly giving him a concussion. Not that she felt herself being convincing: all ruthlessness seemed to have left her body. She still didn’t trust herself much to talk; each word was agonizing to get out. </p><p>“I just told you we can’t do this. Why are you smiling?”</p><p>“I know you don’t mean it.” He shrugged his shoulders, still refusing to let her go. Like the truth was as simple as that, and he had the gift of knowing. Fighting this was tiring; the moment their lips met, every carefully hidden thought, every feeling she locked away flooded out with an overwhelming strength, knocking down each and every one of her defenses. </p><p>“How come?”</p><p>“You haven’t pushed me away. And you <em>did</em> kiss me, just so you remember it.” Zoya’s lips curled a little before she could stop herself, rolling her eyes. Bold as only Nikolai could be in a moment like this. “Someone told me you were going to find a way to surprise me” He mumbled under his breath, lost in thoughts for a second.</p><p>“Besides”, he added. “I’m not in a rush. I’ll convince you eventually. You know my charm has no limits.” </p><p>She huffed, but didn’t find it in herself to step out of his grip. She was still falling, and he was the one to catch her. Zoya let her hands rest on his chest: she could feel his heart pounding like it was about to take flight, echoing in her mind and sending waves of soothing calm over her. His certainty was endearing.</p><p>“You’re insufferable.”</p><p>Nikolai looked perfectly at ease, beaming with confidence. He let out an amused chuckle and placed a soft kiss on her hair.</p><p>“Don’t run from me.” He turned serious, placing both his hands on the sides of her jaw, keeping their eyes locked together. “I need you with me to face all of this. We’ll find a way; I know we can. We’ll figure everything out together. And we can do this right.”</p><p>General Nazyalensky knew better than to trust fragile promises of peace. And yet the hopeful girl she’d been held onto this one like it was a long awaited shore in a storm-swept ocean. She could regret this tomorrow: for tonight, maybe she wanted to be that girl. And against every belief she had, she really did trust him like no one ever before. She found herself nodding lightly, slightly amused by his hint at doing things <em>right</em>. Nikolai and his idiotic sense of honour. The dragon inside her had spread his wings, roaring his power. Bolts of desire were still shooting through her, leaving her brain a mess, and she could see the feeling mirrored in Nikolai’s eyes. She didn’t know that freeing her heart from the cage it was trapped in would taste so sweet and terrifying. </p><p>
  <em>You are the dragon, Zoya. You will bide your time. And you will have it all.</em>
</p><p>She brought her hand on one of his, still wrapped around her neck, intertwining their fingers. Deep inside of her, the stone hit the bottom of the well: waiting there for her there was a quiet feeling of belonging, a home in which she could be safe. A place full of light in which she could rest. Someone to hold her. Someone who loved her. As the fall stopped, Zoya handed over the fight, easing herself in the embrace of the boy that tore down her walls and built her a fortress. </p><p><em>Tell him to stay.</em> She didn’t know if it was Juris or her heart demanding it. </p><p>“Stay with me tonight.”</p><p>A breath-taking soft smile enlightened his features. Nikolai leaned towards her, whispering an oath in her ear, a secret to share in the midst of night. </p><p>"Always.”</p><p>He caught her lips and kissed her again, deeper, with more urgency, leaving whatever sense of self-restraint they were keeping to shatter in a million pieces as the silk of her kefta slided away from her shoulders, wrinkling through his darkened fingers, the demon and the witch. </p><p>And the world went on fire. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Again, I threw some quotes here and there and tried to fit some parallels with Nikolai's POV. I know it's awfully long but I love them both so much and I'm gonna be crushed if they don't end up together and happy sooo manifesting for it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. blissful mornings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After their confrontation and a night spent together, Nikolai and Zoya wake up and deal with the aftermath and an unplanned ambush from their beloved friends. Nikolai's POV.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is a lot more soft and different than the others. It's so hard to write anything that it's not angst for zoyalai, it's almost out of charachter! but I wanted to write a funny triumvirate scene and some fluff to ease the agony that is waiting for row, and I do LOVE triumvirate interactions and their little found-family dynamic. hope you like it anyway!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nikolai opened his eyes slowly, catching back his consciousness with each blink; he took a breath as things went into focus, dimly aware of his surroundings. Blue walls painted like waves of a storm-swept sea, lit up by the first rays of sun casting away the night. It was almost dawn, by the reddish and golden light outside the windows. He made to turn on his side, but realized he was curled around someone. The scent of wildflowers clouded him. </p>
<p><em>Zoya</em>. He was in Zoya’s room. In Zoya’s rumpled sheets, to be precise.  </p>
<p>It took a moment for the events of the previous night to crowd his mind, scrambling his thoughts. Another itching breath made his way out of his lungs as he tried to steady the frantic beating of his heart, shaken by the sheer enormity of what happened. His arm was resting on Zoya’s waist, still asleep at his side, warm and peaceful. She was laying with her back to him: he watched her chest slowly go up and down with each breath, the curve of her neck still so close to his lips, black hair grazing his cheeks. He pulled her tighter in an instinct, burying his nose on her skin lightly, feeling as if he wanted to drown in her, that this dream would vanish if he let her go. She trembled at his touch, stirring in the covers, slowly awakening. Zoya turned on her back with a sigh, leaning her head towards him. Her eyelids fluttered open as she drifted out of sleep. </p>
<p>“You move too much in your sleep, Nikolai.” </p>
<p>She mumbled, slightly annoyed, closing her eyes again. Nikolai smiled against her neck, brushing his lips on her ear, skimming on her arm with his fingers. He felt her all over him, inside him, everywhere. Nikolai knew he was never going to have enough of this, of her. Never was he going to have enough of his name escaping her slightly parted lips with that lethal softness. </p>
<p>“I thought you were an early riser. All the pre-dawn trek to the Grand Palace ought to have given you some routine.”</p>
<p>Zoya huffed, moving on her side and prompting herself up on one arm, stretching her back. She tossed her hair over one shoulder. Nikolai looked at her in awe; he felt the air being snatched out of his lungs. The only coherent thought he managed to grasp was that this was most definitely going to be his undoing. </p>
<p>He had grown used to see Zoya in her blue kefta uniform. They spent so much time together in the past years that she had become a familiar gaze, something that sounded like home. Even when he met her, her beauty was not the first thing he noticed. Not that he was going to deny being struck by her appearance, but not in the way every other man seemed to be. Nikolai had been way more fascinated about the persona she built around herself, the way she gracefully conducted herself with other people, walking through the palace as if she owned every single wall of it, always ready, always sharp. So her beauty kind of went in the background. And he made a point not be distracted by it, to get adjusted to the sight of her in the silk kefta. </p>
<p>The first time he saw her in a gown, well, that had been challenging, to say the least. It wasn’t a common sight: Zoya liked to always play the general, even at official events. Which meant she usually kept her kefta, maybe more elaborate ones, with precious embroidery and jewels. The first time she resorted to a gown was the winter fete they threw on the first year of Nikolai’s reign. He had to admit that when she walked inside the ballroom it took him a while more than usual to regain himself. She looked every inch like a queen, in a floor-length dress that hugged every curve of her body, her neck bare and her hair tied up in an elaborate updo. That had been a tiring night, forcing himself not to stare. And that was something he definitely didn’t get used to: he just learned to hide his reactions and manage to act like he wasn’t struck by her un-earthly attire every time they threw a ball. </p>
<p>But this moment. <em>This</em> what was bound to take him to his knees. </p>
<p>Because Zoya now didn’t look like a queen, like a general, or even like a saint. She looked like a girl; granted, the dreamiest girl he could ever lay eyes, but still a girl, and that almost brought him to tears. She could’ve been taken from a painting: as she brought herself up, the waves of her hair moved like a waterfall on her shoulders, delicately brushing the scars on her back as she tilted her head up towards the sunrise. Her bare skin was glowing, scarcely covered by the sleeveless nightgown she wore, wrinkled around her body, silver like the moonlight and the beads he picked up every now and then and kept in his pockets. And when she opened her eyes and turned to him, Nikolai swore his heart stopped in its track. Zoya cast him a look that was utterly unguarded, in a disarming way he thought he was never going to see her. In a way he never knew her. Her eyes were pools of a deep ocean, calm and serene. They were alive with a light both tender and passionate; he could see the steel that forged her in that light, the fire inside her. A faint smile tugged her lips as she locked those impossibly clear eyes with his. <em>She is happy</em>, he realized with a bolt of crushing desire and warmth. He had seen her laugh before, he had seen her smile, but not like this. This was pure, untouched, sincere.  </p>
<p>Nikolai knew with an unwavering certainty that he could have spent a thousand lifetimes fighting just to see this look on her again. That this was the Zoya that loved fiercely and moved mountains and let her soul be seen. <em>Love is the only thing worth waging a war for</em>, Ehri had told him. She wasn’t that far from the truth. This, this was the thing for which he would face the Fjerdans, the Shu, whoever came their way. This was the thing he searched for all his troubled life, all the times he had wanted more. More life, more love, more adventure, more excitement, more safety and trust. He found it in her. </p>
<p>It lasted for a moment, not more. In a slip instant, Zoya seemed to catch herself back again, her look hardening just what was necessary. But for Nikolai, it was enough. Enough to know he was lost, that Zoya was not only the tether he gripped to relinquish the demon, but the very thread that tied him to reality. </p>
<p>“Why are you staring at me?” </p>
<p>He smiled, catching her wrist and pulling her down on the pillows. She made no move to protest as he circled his arms around her, combing her tangled hair through his fingers. </p>
<p>“You’re less ruthless in the morning, Nazyalensky.”</p>
<p>She rolled her eyes and brought her hand at the base of his neck, releasing a breath. Her voice was a bit shaky. Everything about this was so completely overwhelming, he realized, for the both of them. Her eyes darkened as she delicately brushed the back of his head. </p>
<p>“Did I hurt you last night?” He gave a brief shook and held her closer. </p>
<p>“Not at all. Besides, I kind of deserved it. I’m awfully obnoxious when I put my mind to it.”</p>
<p>“Did Nikolai Lantsov just admit he’s insufferable?”</p>
<p>“I can be at times. But I’d take a small concussion for a night with you all over again.” </p>
<p>She flinched a little. He knew it was soon to joke about this, but he also knew he needed to be the one to make her believe in him, and in them. He needed to deserve her, and he had an unshakable resolve to do it. As good as he was with words, declarations seemed to only bring her uneasiness. So instead of talking her out of her mind, he did the next best thing he could think of and drew her in a for a kiss. It was soft and delicate, nothing like the hunger and the despair with which they explored each other the first time. Zoya leaned in without resistance and he felt her tension decrease. When he sensed her relax, he drew away an inch, both breathless.  </p>
<p>“That’s not playing fair.” </p>
<p>“Never said I would.” She exhaled, placing another kiss on his lips and giving him a firm look. </p>
<p>“You should go back, Nikolai, the sun is almost up. Tolya and Tamar are going to kill you, if they don’t already believe someone kidnapped you.” </p>
<p>There was no sharpness in her voice; Zoya was matter of factly, ever the general with a care on the fact that besides being Nikolai, he was the King too. He relished in her speaking to him so gently; still, he didn’t have the slightest will to get up from this bed and leave her. The thought of his guards didn’t cross his mind, but she was right. Nikolai didn’t tell them where he was going last night when he stormed out of his room, and he never got back. The twins probably spent hours looking for him. He groaned. </p>
<p>“They <em>are</em> going to kill me.” </p>
<p>She smiled, shaking her head. It was an insecure smile, almost as if she was trying to get used to down her walls a bit around him. He had half a mind to find a practical way to make her give up on her resolve, but as if they could read their thoughts, someone knocked lightly on the door in that instant. They heard Tamar clear her throat, much to Nikolai’s disappointment. </p>
<p>“Zoya? Are you awake?”</p>
<p>Zoya widened her eyes pulling herself up abruptly. Nikolai tried to hold her back by her waist, but she shot him an intimidating glare, keeping her voice steady. </p>
<p>“Yes, Tamar. Is everything alright?”</p>
<p>“We can’t find Nikolai. Is he…uhm, have you seen him by chance?”</p>
<p>This time, it was Zoya who groaned, untangling herself from Nikolai’s arms. She got up quickly, searching frantically for her kefta while tumbling towards the door. She stilled in front of it, turning to Nikolai, still lazily spread on her sheets perfectly at ease, dropping her voice to a worried whisper. </p>
<p>“What do we do?” </p>
<p>Nikolai smirked. She was going to hate this. And he was about to have an even more delightful morning than it had already been. He pulled himself up, cleared his throat too and raised his tone. </p>
<p>“I’m here, Tamar. We’ll be out in a second.” He answered to his guard. Zoya glared at him. </p>
<p>“Seems <em>I</em> am the one who’s going to commit regicide after all.” Hissed Zoya, casting him a look that clearly conveyed how serious her threat was. She tossed him his shirt, buttoning her rumpled kefta. “Put something on before I struck you with a lightning.” </p>
<p>They didn’t look remotely presentable, and Zoya was in a panic. A delightful morning indeed. She smoothed her clothes and tried to fix her hair in a desperate attempt before opening the door to her sitting room where the twins were waiting for them. They were nowhere near preoccupied, which left Nikolai with the suspicion they had known exactly where he had been the whole time. Tolya was sitting in a chair skimming through a poetry book, while Tamar was perched on the table flexing her axes. When they emerged, she waved a mischievous grin at them. </p>
<p>“Oh, there you are. We brought you some tea.”</p>
<p>Nikolai leaned on the wall, glancing briefly at Zoya at his side. She crossed her arms with an unnerved look. Where her cheeks turning a different shade of pink? Was Zoya Nazyalensky <em>blushing</em>? His mood improved even more. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry if I worried you. I didn’t mean to have you search the whole palace for me.”</p>
<p>“It’s our duty, Your Highness. What matters is that you’re safe.” Replied Tolya respectfully, giving Nikolai a nod. Tamar, on the other hand, didn’t have her brother gift for propriety. </p>
<p>“Oh, <em>please</em>.” She outright laughed in their faces, jumping down from the table and pinning her weapons on her side. “Like we’ve actually run all night to find you. We came straight here. And the guards said you dismissed them, so it was not that hard to put two and two together.”</p>
<p>“Well, I guess that’s why you’re the head of my intelligence.” </p>
<p>Nikolai couldn’t stop himself and winked at her. He heard Zoya made an exasperate sound beside him. At this rate, she was going to unleash a storm on their friends too. While he was caught up with the fact that they knew about the two of them, she was still fortified in her conviction that she had been perfectly subtle. He leaned closer, discreetly brushing a hand on her back to keep her calm, giving her a reassuring look. As she caught his eyes, he saw her shoulders beginning to ease, and everything would have gone smoothly if at that precise moment the door wouldn’t have slammed open again. Genya stomped in the room with David trotting absentmindedly behind her, head buried in some documents. </p>
<p>“Zoya! I hope you are up we have so…” </p>
<p>As her gaze turned upward, she fell silent and stopped in the middle of the room, shooting them a confused look. David almost stumbled on her, blinked twice and then immediately gave up on understanding what was happening. He slumped in a chair, while Genya’s attention travelled from the twins and lingered on Nikolai and Zoya, on their messy appearance and Nikolai’s hand still gently laid on Zoya’s lower back. She widened her amber eye, and Nikolai saw how she hardly contained herself from giggling. Nikolai grinned; Zoya seemed to realize how much they were giving out and batted his hand away. </p>
<p>“So, are we having a party here that I didn’t know about this early in the morning?”</p>
<p>Genya was digging for her own grave, apparently. Nikolai was about to try and salvage the situation, but Tamar was quicker. </p>
<p>“Well, if there’s a party those two are the only ones having <em>fun</em>.”</p>
<p>This time, Nikolai shot her a warning look. He heard the air crackle lightly; Zoya was not inclined to mockery as much as him, and the flashes of last night breakdown were still nitid.  But their friends were not going to let the occasion slip after all these months. And to be honest, he was indeed having a lot of fun. Worst comes worst it was their turn for being swept by a gust of wind. Genya had a smug look on her face, clearly immensely satisfied buy how things were turning out. She turned to Tamar, opening her hand towards her. </p>
<p>“Pay up. It seems I have won.”</p>
<p>“Did you <em>bet</em> on me?”</p>
<p>Zoya’s high-pitched voice interrupted them. Nikolai was extremely amused. If he knew there was a bet going around, he would’ve probably weighed in too.</p>
<p>“Not just us!” Protested Genya, equally outraged, as if this was bound to make it sound better. “Don’t get angry at me. Nadia was on this too. And Tolya didn’t want to bet but he still pitched in his support!” She accused, pointing her finger at the giant. </p>
<p>“I don’t play money on other people’s lives. That doesn’t mean I’m not a keen observer and I can’t help others win.” The twin excused himself, prompting his hands up. </p>
<p>David emerged from his papers to look at Nikolai with resignation. “I’m sorry, Your Highness, but you know I don’t interfere with these things.” </p>
<p>“That means I lost to Nadia too!” Tamar whined.</p>
<p>A thunder rolled over the room, making them startle and effectively silencing all of them. They turned to Zoya, who stood with her palms open upside, electricity sparking from her skin, and a threatening smile on her face. </p>
<p>“So, that shut you up.” She said with a delighted tone. She put her hands together behind her back, straightening her spine and drawing the power away. “Now, if Genya is done ridiculing my personal life, can we go on with the business of the day?”</p>
<p>“You’re so prickly, Zoya. Always killing the entertainment.” Genya scoffed at her after a moment of surprise. She glanced and Nikolai: she was practically beaming with contentment. They all took a sit; Genya poured tea from the samovar while Tolya peered in David’s work and Tamar opened some maps. They purposefully turned their backs on Nikolai and Zoya, leaving them a moment to collect themselves. Nikolai chuckled and tried to stiffen a laughter with a poorly executed cough. Zoya’s gaze snapped to him so fast he thought he heard the bone crack. </p>
<p>“If you let out so much as a whisper about how you are enjoying this, I’m going to burn you alive.” </p>
<p>Despite the snarky words, her eyes were lit up with affection. The image of her half-dressed and unguarded flooded his mind. Nikolai waved a glowing smile at her and curled a hand on her cheek. She exhaled a long breath, leaning to his touch and closing her eyes. Having Zoya so trusting in his hands was intoxicating; every time she did this, it was like coming back to life, and it made his breath itch and his heart ache with joy. Knowing she would break his arm if he’d done a more prominent sign of affection, he only grazed his thumb on her lips, already yearning to be alone with her. Would this pull towards her he felt ever diminish? His skin was on fire where he touched her, and he barely kept himself restrained.</p>
<p>“What do you say we leave our friends alive for now? And keep the rest for later?” </p>
<p>She cast her eyes heavenward but returned the smile and squeezed his hand briefly. </p>
<p>“Fine. Let’s drive this saint forsaken country out of the mud.”</p>
<p>The determined looks of the general and the ruler slipped back into their places, the fire and the steel rumbling in her eyes. He gestured her to take her seat beside him, looking at a room full of the people he cared for the most; he knew how fragile this peace was. That the Fjerdans were waiting for them with an army, that they had their worst nightmare chained up in a cell in the palace. That he still needed to figure things out with Zoya, be sure of his alliance with Ehri. But all those things seemed like nothing, right now. Because he also knew that with them at his side, they could survive. That the memory of the first morning sun grazing Zoya’s bare back would give him the strength to defy each and every one of his enemies. He put his hands on the table and turned to his friends with a cocky grin on his face. </p>
<p>“So, who do we get to fight today?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm a 100% completely sure the triumvirate has a bet going around and no one can tell me otherwise</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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